he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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