I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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