I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Semen is not good for contacts.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
