his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
