my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
no, he came in my armpit
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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