Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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