Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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