Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Text me some of your sweat
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
