I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
