Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just pee around me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
