you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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