Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
