Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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