I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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