My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
