i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
