Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
