You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
