I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish you could order shots online.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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