Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
