i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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