it's too hot outside to masturbate.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In other news, I just burned my penis
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
