did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
