That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
