Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
