I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
