Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
