There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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