remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
