so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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