oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
