in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
