To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
