There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
