I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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