I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
