I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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