Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
