they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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