wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
