last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
