i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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