Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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