the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
