i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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