I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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