speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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