My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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