The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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