I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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